My kids won't talk to me after the divorce: what to do when more than one has gone quiet

Why it is rarely a verdict

Children do not hold a meeting and vote. What looks like a united silence is usually one child who is angry, one who is sad, and one who is copying the oldest because that is what younger siblings do. The oldest is often carrying the loyalty load for everyone, and the youngest has often simply lost a routine. None of them has decided you are the bad parent, even if one of them has said so.

Treat them separately

1. One-to-one time, each of them, each visit. Even twenty minutes in the car. Siblings go quieter in a group because the oldest sets the tone.
2. Different ages, different quiet. A seven-year-old goes quiet by clinging to the other parent. A twelve-year-old goes quiet by being busy. A sixteen-year-old goes quiet by being somewhere else. Read each one on their own terms.
3. Take the load off the oldest. He may be protecting the younger ones, or his mother, or you. Say it once: "You don't have to look after anyone here. That's my job." Then do not make him the messenger or the organiser.
4. Let the one who comes, come. If one child wants to visit and another does not, host the one who comes without comment on the one who did not, and do not send messages through the one who came.

What to stop

• Comparing: "your sister loves coming". It is a knife for both of them.
• Recruiting: asking one child what another has said about you or about their mother.
• Group announcements about feelings. Each child hears a different thing; say it one-to-one or not at all.
• Speaking negatively about their mother. The Institute's guidance is to insulate children from conflict and present a united front where you can.

Routines

Same meals, same bedtimes, same rules for all of them at yours, and as close as you can get to the rules at their mother's. The Child Mind Institute notes that children settle faster when the schedule is consistent and predictable, and that keeping things structured the same way in both households helps.

Warning signs

Normal, according to the Child Mind Institute: talking to parents less, one-word answers, wanting privacy, asserting independence without much grace. It calls the one-word-answer teenager who still has his friends and his activities well within the range of normal development.

Not normal: a son who stays in his room and has withdrawn from friends and the things he used to enjoy. The Institute calls that cause for serious concern. If he has been sad or irritable most of the day, most days, for at least two weeks, has lost interest in things he loved, or talks about being worthless or hopeless, he needs a professional this week, not a better text from you. If he mentions suicide, get him evaluated immediately, and go to an emergency room if there is an imminent threat. Crisis lines by country are in the footer.